Sitting in my local takeaway, waiting for some tastless mush that’s going to cost me £18.
Home made curry is out of the question – I nearly killed the wife with the last one. I’ve hung up my garam massala, and sold the remainder of my curry gravy to some Rawandan terrorists I met in Safeway.
I know this takeaway makes tastless mush, I know it’s gonna be horrible before I order it. Anyway, I’m sitting in my local takeaway, waiting for some tastless mush that’s going to cost me £18.
I pick up ‘The Sun’ newspaper, and there’s a big spread on the front about brave prince William. About how he’s been in Afghanistan, and a thick fonted headline boasting that he’s killed thirty people in Afghanistan. About national pride. About him on a machine gun machine gunning the poor bastards. About him calling in an airstrike and killing some more. Like a DVD cover on the paper. I think ‘The Rock’ was posing with him in one shot, in another he was holding up a child’s head.
There is some sick colonialism in this newspaper, and do they really expect us to believe those posed pictures with the ginger cunt prancing around like Lawrence of Arabia – he’s been in Dubai the whole time playing XBox with Osama Bin Laden. It’s all too much. I stop reading. I wonder why they’ve got this rag in there in the first place. Why are Indians getting the BNP newsletter in for their customers ?
The bland food is coming, and I know that they’ll forget to put the right chutneys in – but at least this curry won’t put my family at risk. I suppose I should name and shame the curry recipe book – well, it’s the ‘Curry Bible’ by Pat Chapman. If you spend thirty odd quid on all the spices, spend about four hours blending and generally fucking around with them, then combine them with more fresh ingredients, most of which are so obscure you’ll have to buy them online… I guarantee you’ll create something that has no place existing on Gods Earth, and which, when ingested, will do for your intestines what that little Alien did for John Hurt in Ridley Scott’s sci-fi classic.
