You know the drill. You pay them money, they hurt you.

You go there, you have to take time off work coz the lazy sadists only work Monday to Friday.
You sit in their waiting rooms. The one here looks like a Sauna, cheap wood panelling, fucking awful little seats, a big fuck off stack of reading age 5 womens mags, gypsy experiment monthly and two car magazines from 1982.

Now readers will know that I ain’t scared of getting covered in shit or anything… But there’s so much wear on these car mags, so much crust and fucking dirt on them, so thick is the SARS on these festering clumps of crumple that it almost makes you forget that dentists earn over £60,000 a year.

I note he hasn’t skimped on the stainless steel framed photo of his wife Irene hanging on the wall, the jew-gassing turd.

So I’m reading about the new Ford Cortina, and this mountain of fucking problems with a perm sticks her head around the door, pure fucking ‘The Thing’, tentacles on the sides, Mr. Mcready – the dentist can see you now. I drop the mag, and a cloud of dead skin billows around the Sauna.

Now this driller has personal problems. Oh fucking yes. I’m not going into them on here, in case he fucking reads it and fucking kills me with some injection, but suffice to say the cunt has issues. As do all the fucking miscreants that work at my local dentist. They look like the cast of a Jess Franco film for christssakes.

Now during the 80’s and 90’s I used to make a tidy sum pirating videos. A lot of horror films got banned in the UK, and people used to pay me top dollar to provide them with copies of ‘the nasties’ as they were known. High up on the list of banned titles were films such as Cannibal Ferox, Last House on The Left, Zombie Flesheaters and A Clockwork Orange. Most notorious of all however, were the cycle of Italian Nazi exploitation films. I’m talking about Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS, SS Experiment Camp and the classic Gestapo’s Last Orgy. As I sit there and wait, I consider that with the right costumes, a small camera crew and some good LSD I could probably make a fucking wicked Nazi/Exploitation film with these bastards. I make a mental note to mention it to Burtalot Hurtalot as soon as he’s finished fucking my teeth up.

So I lie there, the dentist is suitably brusque with me, The Thing puts a bib on me, dentist fucking swings his little extending metal tables around like a pure twat, I want to chin the cunt and he hasn’t even started hurting me yet. He’s playing with more of his gadgets, burbling out his dental jargon like a senile Auschwitz-Birkenau employee. Numbers, letters, substances. It would be no exaggeration to say that by now I’m shitting myself. I hate dentists – and they hate me right back.

I get an injection, then it’s back to the crusty car mags for ten minutes. I notice my hand shaking as I turn the pages. The Thing pops around and I skulk back in. Back with the bib, back with the chair. Tom Berrenger looks down at me and tells me to take the pain. Take the fucking pain. The cunt starts drilling and fucker hurts. I stare at Berrenger, I count the stitches on his scar, sweating. The stare into air, that noise and the fucking smell, the vibrations and you just wait for the pain to hit, and dental pain is like no other. Screw you – I’d rather shit a hairy baby out of my cock than go to the dentist.

I lasted about three minutes then my head moves. Hell, in ‘Nam they were getting that white powder. Sorry Tom.

‘It’s hard to hit a moving target’ he tells me. Nice phrasing you sick Noma studying fuck. I tell him to keep going. He’s drilling and I’m.. maybe.. pulling a bit of a face, but keeping still mind, but laughing boy doesn’t like that – oh no. He stops, looks at me like I just shat on his carpet, and asks me if it hurts. Disgusted look.

‘Well, yeah, but keep going, get it finished’
‘We can’t have you in pain’
‘I’m okay, keep going’
‘Well, does it hurt, yes or no, it’s not a sliding scale, it’s a switch that’s either on or off’
‘Well, it hurts a bit’.
‘Well we can’t have you in pain I’ll put a dressing on it, then do it again’ and this bit of the procedure the cunt does in about three seconds flat. No laboured build up to this part, he just bungs some Wehrmacht funded chemical into my tooth and tells me to go.

Now, I pay for this shit. I’m confused, my mouth hurts and tastes like I’ve just blown Optimus Prime, my fucking lips are dry and I am on the brink of tears.

‘Cannng aah ashhk yo somessing’
‘They’ll give you another appointment downstairs’
‘Ffanc yo, shory ffo thu trougl – I wash wonderig ihf yo, thish ffuckig shkank, add thu othher ffuckig gimpsh id here wud rike to make a modern-day nazi exploitation film, you know the drill, like SS Experiment Camp. You could play with your fucking steel implements, put some costumes on these fucking minions you’ve got hanging around the place, get your cock out, torture some motherfuckers… I’ll film it and supply all the coke, and don’t worry about the BMA – I’ll use pseudonyms…everyone’s a winner! Now how about it you sick old bastard ?’

‘Sorry, didn’t understand a word. Now if you go down to reception they’ll book you in for another appointment.’