Cats are always a popular subject on the internet, and indeed in blogs, so here’s a post about one of my cats.

The fat lazy bastard of a Persian that we ‘rescued’ has been nothing but trouble since the day he arrived.
A skinny fucker to begin with, he had some kind of infection and was nursed back to health by yours truly – I let the bastard sleep in/on my £150 Mountain Equipment puffa jacket for fucks sakes. He sneezed all over it. My coat was a sea of crust, snot and piss but he soon shook the infection off and got better. The coat was dry cleaned at a cost of £15.

Then the vet wanted paying more moolah to shave half of him – his fur had become so encrusted in shit, snot and oomskah that there was no other option. He looked a right state. I took a picture of him on my mobile and went around for weeks asking people if they wanted to see my pictures of my shaved pussy. They just looked at me.

Eventually he put weight on, fitted in with the other moggies, and generally went about his business. However, being a touchy ‘imported’ Eastern type cat he needs grooming every 5 minutes, and won’t eat regular catfood – insisting on a diet of smoked salmon, lobster and imported Chechen foi-gras. Anything else passing his lips brings forth gallons of spew, and sees him waving his arse in the air as strong sprays of shite shoot out across the room. This cat spews Bubba!
He spews on the sofa, he spews in the bedroom, under the bed, on the quit, on the fucking pillows. Flecks of his sick mark the walls. In short he’s made a complete fucking mess of the house.

Apart from throwing up like some king-hell drunk, he scratches furnitues, doors, door frames, electrical appliances, carpets, fucking books, DVDs, me, other animals, trees, cars, the bloody lot.
Even worse are his shits. You don’t even want to know about these. Now cat shit smells at the best of times – but with his rich-food obsession his turds smell like decomposing tramps foreskins.
When he shit .. you know about it. Too much of a lazy bastard to go out for a crap, he has 2 litter trays in the house. Doont matter what room you in .. Tusai shites and it’s like the showers at Auzschwitz. You gots to run and clean up quick fast in a hurry.
Now I’m not saying he isn’t cute, but he’s uber-high maintenance.

Latest news is he got fleas. How in the name of the Lord our God Jesus H Fucking Christ the little bastard managed to get fleas at this time of year is anyones business, but he’s covered. That means all the bloody animals are covered, that means I’ll be sitting in work some day soon and a fucking flea will hop from my arm and onto the desk and I’ll get looks from people thinking I’m like some filthy bastard.

So, in this post I would advise anyone thinking of getting a Persian to think again .. unless you want a fucking ..hovel.. make-over on your house, or to clear out any sinus troubles with the acrid smell of pate-rich excrement. Stick to those nice short-haired buggers.

They kill mice too.